Notes From Cuckoo Island

I remember once reading about a British couple of a certain age (personally, I prefer to be of indeterminate age), who ventured to America for their summer holiday. Everywhere they went, they were asked for their Senior Citizen card in order for them to take advantage of the generous discounts it afforded. After a few days, however, they tired of explaining they were from the UK (I feel their pain), so proffered their B&Q loyalty card, which was, on each occasion, accepted without question.

I mention this because half the country* was offered the opportunity to vote in local elections yesterday. Well, when I say ‘offered’, I mean ‘excluded from’ (easy mistake to make), as this was the first ballot to require photo ID to solve the formidable problem of fraudulent voting. In fact, it’s so bad non-existent, more Conservative MPs have been convicted of sex offences since 2019 than there have been cases of voter fraud.

OK, so where’s the harm in this? Most people have some kind of photo identification, surely?

Surprisingly, there are around 2m people who don’t possess a driving licence, passport, bus pass, or police mug shot (not everyone’s a Tory MP, you know), though the list of accepted items does include the Scottish National Entitlement Card (now stop that), a War Disablement SmartPass issued in Northern Ireland, and a Frankie Vaughan Fan Club membership card, issued March – September 1953. Completely absent, however, are student and young person’s travel cards, which I’m sure is a genuine oversight.

Ahem.

In addition, there are numerous reports of would-be voters not being allowed to cast their X next to no more than two names because they are immunocompromised, and were wearing masks. One young woman thoughtfully took along a video clip of her attaching hers to her face at home, clearly showing the before and after images, but she was turned away, too, along with myriad others who forgot to shout “Heil Tory!” on arrival at the polling station.

And so, onto the results. Perplexing, really, why the Conservatives had such a bad night when they’ve been tanking the economy, stealing public money, enriching their friends, privatising the NHS, dismantling democratic institutions, polluting the rivers and seas, sticking a finger up at striking essential workers, and starving local government of desperately needed funding. I’ve got a politics degree, and I’m blowed if I can work it out.

Just as well they can, then. Quite reasonably, they blame Putin, along with voters who turned up, voters they turned away, President Macron, President butter, Gianni Infantino, the Infant Jesus, Sooty and Sweep, and plankton. Which is fair enough if you spend most of your time in Westminster shoving cocaine up your nose.

Sadly, although B&Q cards are welcomed widely in the US, they’re not considered acceptable in your local constituency. Just like anyone who doesn’t vote Tory.

*

*So called because it’s run by counts**

**typo