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SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED
An unusual bit of good news this week. (No, I haven’t been taken over by aliens). Amazon has bought the James Bond franchise, and life is set to become immeasurably more jolly. (More jolly than wars, famines, the brutal subjugation of women and an orange crunchy nut cornflake in the White House? Not hard, when Continue reading
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For Christ’s Sake
The General Synod of the Church of England has been taking place in London this week. And if you’re wondering why it’s called SYNod, or bishops hold sway over their prics, read on, my child. As per established church custom, the most recent Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, stepped down in November 2024, after an Continue reading
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BREXIT BENEFITS
It’s now a full five years since Cambridge Analytica voted for Britain to leave the EU, while the Tories were busy posting lies on the side of a bus. (Where’s a sodding replacement bus service when you need one?) In the interim, much has been made of plucky whiny Brits moaning about losing their livelihoods, Continue reading
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Best of TV and Radio in 2025
Postman Pat Join Pat on his exciting adventures delivering the post* up to three days a week when he’s not on strike. (Not Mondays or Saturdays. Or Fridays). * parcels only Homes Under the Hammer Discover how likely your property is to be repossessed by the building society this year. Shipping Forecast Scientific formula for Continue reading
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Prince Andrew’s Christmas Table
Uninvited from King Charles’ Christmas lunch this year, Andrew has to cater for himself. Here’s the menu. * Windsor Soup Cooked Goose Spring Chickens (stuffed) Gravy Epstein Sauce B randy Butter Un-aged Meat Baby Vegetables Assorted Pickles Rocky Road Ice Cream Spotted Dick Millionaire Shortbread Roasted Nuts Babybel Chinese Takeaway (Heathrow, Terminal 2) Mince Spies Continue reading
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I Know What You Did Last Summer
Tired of appearing as extras in the 14-year long slasher movie from Tory House of Horror – You’ll cry, you’ll scream, you’ll die from malnutrition – British turkeys at last refrained from voting for Christmas and, somewhat fittingly (or so they thought) on 4th July, elected Labour to power at the General Election. Sadly, instead Continue reading
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The Royal Scam
(Knew if I kept at it long enough I’d be able to get in a Steely Dan album title somewhere) It’s only March, yet it’s already been a terrible year for the Royal Family: King Charles has cancer; Prince Andrew’s still alive; and a Mothers’ Day photo of the Princess of Wales and her children Continue reading
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The Arts* End of Politics
*oops, typo The last time I looked, I was pretty sure we lived in a democracy. Though come to think of it, the last time I looked was on 5th May 2010, the day before some General Election or other. If a week is a long time in politics, just think how long 718 weeks Continue reading
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What Not To Watch On TV In 2024
EMBARRASSING BODIES – The Post Office 900 former postmasters meet Postmodern Postman Pat, and have an uncomfortable discussion about their postmodernist experiences over the past 20 years, in which “reality”, “truth” and “humanity” were suspended in the pursuit of ideology to assert and maintain political and economic power, with no hope on the Horizon. Features Continue reading
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Shipping Forecast
And now the Tory Shipping Forecast, issued at one minute to midnight. There are warnings of gales in all areas, including regions previously considered safe. Immigration Rising Patience Falling Downing Street Squally, becoming turbulent ERG Extreme front, backing Braverman Sunak Weak, violent storm later Dowden, Keegan, Trott Fog North UK Shithole Cleverly Force 5, backing Continue reading
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It’s (Nearly) Behind You!
Yes, it’s Tory pantomime season again, back by minority demand,* now in its 13th Year, likely to be its last! Book early for fun and (illegal) frolics – though be advised you probably can’t afford the tickets, and there are no trains to get you there. Past productions include Puss in Jackboots, Robbing Hood, and Continue reading
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Speech Impediment
Rishi Sunak, the British Prime Minister,* ended his speech to this year’s Conservative Party Conference with a surprise declaration that it was time for a change in British politics, and the Tories were it. In writing about this last month, I may, inadvertently – or even vertently; prove it if you’re so clever – have Continue reading
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Christmas Crackers
It’s November, the midst of Christmas season, which in the UK runs from mid-August until 12.01am December 26th, at which point Easter eggs go on sale, meaning it must be Easter; one day we’re celebrating Jesus’ birth, the next, his ressurection from the dead. And they say a week is a long time in politics. Continue reading
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Sex and the City of Westminster
Last week, Conservative MP Peter Bone* was suspended from Parliament for six weeks, as punishment for bullying and sexual misconduct. He lost the Tory Whip (oh no, it’s going to be one of those pieces, isn’t it?), even though he’s been a long-standing Conservative member (told you) since 2005. Also last week, the Tory MP Continue reading
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Low Crimes And Misdemeanours
One of my email accounts was hacked two weeks ago, on 3rd October. I only know this because eBay sent me a message they were about to remove £359.82 from my bank for listing charges. My interest whetted, I logged on to find I was selling 18 classic cars I’d never set eyes on. (I Continue reading
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Crimes of War Reporting
It’s been a full week since the shocking attack on Israeli civilians by the terrorist group, HAMAS, and the British media has, yet again, managed to tie itself in knots. Of course, it’s not easy on any level to report such traumatic events, let alone with any kind of measured impartiality, as responsible journalism requires, Continue reading
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The Party’s Over
WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS A STRONG SWEARWORD, SO IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ ‘CONSERVATIVES’, LOOK AWAY NOW. It’s conference season in the UK, during which political parties relocate out of town for a few days to enable their members to discuss policy matters and shag each other, apart from the Conservatives, who assemble to Continue reading
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The Next Anti-Cancel Culture Leaving From This Platform Has Been Cancelled
Talking of has beens, we need to talk about cancel culture. That is, unless you’ve already cancelled me. (Is there a replacement satirist service? Actually – and this is true – I read the other day that Southern Rail* had not only cancelled all trains between Chichester and Havant – lucky it’s not called Have Continue reading
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Driving Me Crazy
I’m going to write a sentence containing ‘the Archbishop of Canterbury’, ‘the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’, and ‘Suella Braverman’. Oh, hang on, I just did. [See above] Curious thing when you think about it, given I’m not Christian, I’m resolutely anti-Monarchy (like the Duke and Duchess of Sussex), and am certainly not a Satan-worshipper, Continue reading
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Pimp and Circumstance
Charles Philip Arthur George, the con-artist formerly known as Prince, displayed his magnanimity on Saturday – it was tucked into one of his jewel-encrusted cloaks – by graciously allowing plebs to stand for hours under incessant rain to watch him float past regally in one of his state carriages, on his way finally – after Continue reading
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The Morning After The Nightmare Before
I remember once reading about a British couple of a certain age (personally, I prefer to be of indeterminate age), who ventured to America for their summer holiday. Everywhere they went, they were asked for their Senior Citizen card in order for them to take advantage of the generous discounts it afforded. After a few Continue reading
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Welcome To My World
You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps. Actually, scrub that. You do have to be mad to work here, but there isn’t any work. For you join me on Cuckoo Island, the only place on the planet where the inhabitants (the more cuckoo of them, at any rate) decided to Continue reading
About Me
Diane Messias is a comedy/drama writer and script consultant, who has spent the last 40 years trying to be funny.
Starting out in theatre, Diane subsequently joined the BBC as a Comedy producer/director, and has written for and worked with many household names (no, not Domestos). Her production credits include One Foot In The Grave and The News Quiz.
Diane also has extensive teaching experience – comedy writing, screenplay and playwriting, standup – most notably at Goldsmiths, University of London, the Screen & Film School, the Drama Studio, The Actors’ Centre, and ALRA.
You can find Diane on on Bluesky – https://bsky.app/profile/comedywriter.bsky.social
and on Twitter as @NiceEtoile
Also available for hire as a writer – please contact her at scriptwhizz@gmail.com
Please see About Me page for links to other blogs.
Notes From Cuckoo Island 