Notes From Cuckoo Island

It’s now a full five years since Cambridge Analytica voted for Britain to leave the EU, while the Tories were busy posting lies on the side of a bus.

(Where’s a sodding replacement bus service when you need one?)

In the interim, much has been made of plucky whiny Brits moaning about losing their livelihoods, performing artists ranting on about being deprived of their ability to earn a crust outside the UK (not many crusts left inside the UK these days), and families wailing about being broken up due to strict visa qualifications – FFS, kids, when you’re 16 years old with your own passport, you can visit your mother for up to three months twice a year so long as there’s six months between visits, what’s your bloody problem???

And so, dear reader, in the spirit of my famed quest to spread positivity in every post, I beg to draw your attention to the positive side of Brexit.*

Oh yes, that’s right, it’s exports!**

Nope, not talking about fish (do I look like Nigel Farage? Really?), nuclear reactors or cheese, but the quality of individuals we’ve palmed off on the rest of the world. Hopefully on a one-way ticket.

Here’s a brief list to help you keep track, and certainly not for you to keep an eye on at airports, should they attempt to return. *coughs*

Isabel Oakeshott

A political journalist, Isabel first came to notoriety in 2013 when she was instrumental*** in the incarceration of both Lib Dem Cabinet Minister Chris Huhne, and his wife, Vicky Pryce, for perverting the course of justice.

Her co-authorship with Michael Ashcroft (more of him later) of Call Me Dave, an unauthorised biography of former British Prime Minister, David Cameron, included a description of him performing a sex act with his penis (no, not George Osborne, the other one) and a dead pig (no, not Margaret Thatcher, another one). She later conceded that episode might have been ‘artistic licence’. Though I’m not sure sex acts with penises and dead pigs can be called artistic, or that licences are available.

Lots more I could write about her, but I’m (supposedly) a comedy writer (I said supposedly, don’t start); I’ll let you know if I ever make the move to psychological horror.

Anyway, an ardent proponent of fucking up people’s lives leaving the EU, Isabel formed a close relationship with the arch architects (lucky I don’t have to read this stuff out loud) of Brexit, namely Aaron Banks, Nigel Farage, and Richard Tice (what’s the term for a bunch of pigs?) In fact, her relationship with Tice was so close, she kept poking him in the eye when she turned over in bed.

And now it turns out Ricky was poking her in Dubai, where she’d moved in 2024.

My favourite fact about him (until he finds himself in prison) is his admission he’s now ‘splitting time between Dubai and Skegness’. Something not a lot of people get to say. Or, let’s face it, want to.

Nigel Farage

Farage has had a long, highly publicised (in its ‘visible’ sense, even though he is, indeed, always in the pub) antipathy to immigrants, which is curious, given his own efforts to obtain a German passport. Though when you come to think about it, Germany is closer to Russia than Britain, which is quite handy.

The Germans, however, are having none of it, and hopefully Nige has learned a valuable lesson in the stark reality of how difficult it is post-Brexit to export anything to Europe.

Liz Truss

The only British Prime Minister to hold office for a shorter time than the life of a lettuce, Liz was last seen wearing a red MAGA cap in Washington for Trump’s inauguration, where perhaps she’s hoping to be seconded into the Food & Drug Administration as Salad Advisor. For the remainder of time there *is* a Food & Drug Administration, obviously.

Recently, Liz sent a ‘cease and desist’ letter to Keir Starmer, warning him to cease and desist saying she crashed the economy, having crashed the economy. My email details are on the contact page, Liz.

Jacob Rees-Mogg’s Money

A member of the House of Commons (eww!) for 14 years, Rees-Mogg’s sixth child is called Sixtus, which is something of a happy coincidence, as otherwise there might have been all kinds of embarrassment.

His capital management company, Somerset Capital Management (no clue what they do), closed a while ago, after their biggest client withdrew all their capital (still no idea), which meant the firm was down to its last 127 billion pounds. In any case, fully conversant with what Brexit would do to the country’s economy since he was instrumental in pushing Brexit because of what it would do to the economy, The Haunted Pencil wisely moved his own and his clients’ dosh to Ireland. To be sure.****

Lord Ashcroft (told you so)

Michael Ashcroft exported himself to Belize for tax purposes (or, rather more correctly described as for ‘no tax’ purposes) years ago, so plainly didn’t need Brexit to hasten his exit from these isles.

A donor to the Conservative Party, and a former Deputy Chairman, Ashcroft is notable for a number of controversies, not least giving the authorities the runaround for at least a decade as to his real domicile, which had repercussions for his tax status and membership of the House of Lords.

Advocating to Brits they should set up a base in Malta to ameliorate “the uncertainty” of Brexit, Ashcroft is one of those Leave supporters who are anyway rich enough not to pay tax thanks to the quality of ‘no tax’ advice they can afford.

*

And there you have it. Having buggered up the country, they’ve now buggered off – including Cambridge Analytica, which closed down in 2018 after the Brexit scandal.

But at least there’s something to be happy about.

***

*Erm…

**Phew

***A word with ‘mental’ in it. Which is entirely coincidental, Your Honour.

****Little Irish joke there. I may not be funny, but I’m versatile.