Notes From Cuckoo Island

Tired of appearing as extras in the 14-year long slasher movie from Tory House of Horror – You’ll cry, you’ll scream, you’ll die from malnutrition – British turkeys at last refrained from voting for Christmas and, somewhat fittingly (or so they thought) on 4th July, elected Labour to power at the General Election.

Sadly, instead of the feel-good romcom we’d all been led to expect during the party’s campaign, rather than replicating the hope that Tony Blair bestowed on the public in the 1990s with New Labour, this government is turning out to be more Hard Labour: a five-year Dickensian yarn of gaslighting the electorate by rowing back on promises, the popcorn still stuck at Dover, with a public whip-round for ministers’ designer clothes and spectacles – which, of course, they didn’t need until realising they shouldn’t, after all, have gone to Specsavers.

Starmer Trek: The Wrath of Keir (certificate X)

The plot begins with the realisation it’s taking too long to Brexit the populace to death, leading Starmer and his sidekick, half-Vulcan Lt.Rachel Saavik – “Live long and prosper? Good luck with that!” – endeavouring to deep-freeze the elders throughout a vicious winter, paying particular attention to the WASPI, a large group of women of a certain age on a benighted planet, who are stung not to be awarded compensation for being women of a certain age, and also totally dissed by ‘I wouldn’t marry your rhubarb crumble – but I’d take it away for a dirty weekend’ Greggg from Planet The 70s. I can’t disclose the ending, but I’d have your tissues ready. If you’re still alive.

Meanwhile, in the weekly farce known as Prime Minister’s Questions, the Principle Girl is doubling up as the Pantomime Baddie; Badenough Kemi elicits the requisite boos every time she opens her mouth, the only problem being they’re aimed at her from her own side. Sticking assiduously to the script in front of her – “Can I thank the Prime Minister for his *almost* warm welcome,” she read out in her first session as Leader of the Opposition, a response she’d written several days prior to the Prime Minister’s actual warm welcome – her inability to respond off-the-cuff is the talk of Westminster, especially since “half a pound of carrots, a big bag of nails, and some kittens for strangling” flummoxed the nation, until it became apparent her shopping list had somehow become entangled in her papers.

NB: Conspicuous by their absence on said list were ‘moist bread’, ‘breakfast sandwiches’ and ‘wimpy lunches’. For some reason.

Unfortunately, some old fiends friends have sailed away on their enormous yachts to warmer climes, never to be heard of again, such as Michelle Mone, who went from being a lady who lunched to a lady who launched, in only £203m of government contracts in just one pandemic. Shows what you can do with zero morals and a few fiends friends in high places.

And so, eyes down, look in, renew your passport and pack your bags. We all know what you did last summer, and some of us have long memories…