Notes From Cuckoo Island

*oops, typo 

The last time I looked, I was pretty sure we lived in a democracy.  Though come to think of it, the last time I looked was on 5th May 2010, the day before some General Election or other.  If a week is a long time in politics, just think how long 718 weeks feels.  

Having declared a war against cheese – two-thirds of which, Liz Truss informed us, was imported: “which is a disgrace!” – alongside a war against immigrants, and boats, and children eating, and doctors staying alive during pandemics, and LGTBQ rights, and protests against the mass slaughter of an imprisoned populace in the Middle East, and ethics and morals and woke and coke (see back of manifesto for individual exclusions) and raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens, you might be forgiven for imagining there was nothing left for the Tories to take exception to. 

But it has come to pass that, following an edict from The Democratic Republic of North Korea the Conservative Government, The Arts Council of Great Britain has recently amended its guidance to state that any reputational risk of negative press or social media coverage accruing from artists under its aegis expressing political statements in their work will result in a withdrawal of funding.

Of course, as they are fond of telling you, the arts are very important to the Tories, one of whom, who shall remain nameless – let’s call him Michael Gove – appeared on a politics programme only recently to describe Rishi Sunak as “one of the most gifted leaders in the Western World” (sniff). Last year, Mr Gove (say) developed a plan to devolve cultural policy and sponsorship to the regions, probably as a consequence of him not being able to tell his arts from his elbow. 

If you’re not convinced of our government’s dedication to ensuring life is enriched in meaning through the medium of human imagination and creativity, you have only to refer back to 2018, when a dozen authors, who had been invited by the Edinburgh Book Festival to attend that year’s gathering – that is, *paid* to attend, with publishers and the Festival itself guaranteeing to cover their costs – had their visas rejected, some more than once, even though they’d supplied months of bank statements, birth certificates, marriage certificates, children’s birth certificates, and biometric testing.  (Unfortunately, they completely forgot the art of bribery, where it is common in 21st Century Britain to stuff a few 50 quid notes into an unmarked envelope.  A few five hundred pound notes, and they could have had a seat in the Lords. But hindsight is a wonderful thing).

For those of you arty types who are keen to discover what you *are* permitted to cover in your work, here’s a comprehensive list: 

* Cats

Meanwhile, the new ‘No Politics’ ethos is to be applied immediately, and – as you will see from the  record of implementation so far – retrospectively. 

EDITED

DICKENS – A Tale of Two Cities

“It was the best of times, it was the  worst of times.”  

“Worst” redacted – political opinion

*

SHAKESPEARE 

(i) Julius Caesar

Mark Antony:  “Friends, Romans, countrymen, Lend me your ears!”

Redacted – political campaigning

(ii) A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Quince: “All for your delight we are not here”

Putting political ideas into the electorate’s heads – redacted ‘not’

*

ROBERT BURNS – My Love is Like a Red, Red Rose

“My love is like a red, red rose.”  

Unacceptable political bias – changed ‘red’ to ‘blue’

*

QUEEN – Bohemian Rhapsody

“Is this the real life, Is this just fantasy, Caught in a landslide”    

Politics.  Line changed to “Brush teeth with fluoride”

*

BEATLES – A Day In The Life 

“I read the news today, oh boy” 

Redacted – self-explanatory

*

OSCAR WILDE – Pygmalion

Inflammatory tale of nonsense social mobility.  Reworked underlying point of play to how life is perfectly enjoyable without food banks

*

MUNCH – THE SCREAM

Revised title to ‘The Thought Of Four Years Of A Labour Government’

*

BANNED 

THE CLANGERS – Vote for Froglet (entire episode)

Where to start…the Soup Dragon was standing on a platform of free soup for all.  Also, contains lines such as:

“What could be fairer than an election?”

“It is your civic duty to vote!”

“Rubbish?  But that’s politics!”

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