Notes From Cuckoo Island

Yes, it’s Tory pantomime season again, back by minority demand,* now in its 13th Year, likely to be its last! Book early for fun and (illegal) frolics – though be advised you probably can’t afford the tickets, and there are no trains to get you there.

Past productions include Puss in Jackboots, Robbing Hood, and Mother Goosed (coming to a Magistrates Court near you any day now), although Ali Baba and the 365 Conservative Thieves has had to be postponed yet again, as Ali Baba applied for his visa in 2016 and is still waiting to hear back from the Home Office.

This year’s offering is Sinderella, the story of a poor girl slaving away to rid her home of an invasion of illegal mice and those who have elected to work as starving, unpaid servants as a lifestyle choice. Not invited to the Prince’s ball at Pizza Express, Woking,** with her wicked stepmother and brace of stepsisters, Sinderella is very sad until Tommy Robinson, her Fairy Godfather, suddenly appears from his adopted fairyland in Spain, and with one wave of his outstretched right arm, instantly turns her from an ordinary constituency MP into a terrifying Fascist dictator.

Later that evening, she flirts with the Prince, whose holiday home resides a long way across the ocean in a fantastical land called California,*** but loses her far right glass slipper when she’s banished from the Kingdom of Westminster at the witching hour of 9.00am, Monday 13th November.

Features the popular pantomime songs There Is No Magic Beanpole Tree, Flash, Bang, Wallop (currently appearing as evidence in a sexual abuse hearing), and Feed Me (audience participation).

CAST

Sinderella – Sinsuella Braverman

Handsome Prince of Austerity – David Cameron

Prince of Irony – James Cleverly

Prince of Darkness – Lee Anderson

Mad Dog – Jonathan Gullis

Lead Dwarf – Rishi Sunak

Mad Cow – Andrea Jenkyns

Evil Cow – Priti Patel

1st Ugly Sister – Therese Coffey

2nd Ugly Sister – Therese Coffey

Baron Hardup – Peter Bone, Chris Pincher, Charlie Elphicke, on a rotating basis, depending on parole availability

Snow White – friend of Michael Gove / George Osborne, see back page of programme for contact details

Minister for Common Sense – Esther McVey

Minister for A Load of Old Bollocks – members of the cast

Front End of Pantomime Horse – Therese Coffey

Back End of Pantomime Horse – Therese Coffey

Ghost of Pantomime Characters Past – Jacob Rees Mogg

*

Don’t forget to pre-order The Big Book of Fairytales by Dame Nadine Dorries – an explosive account of fantasy, stripper poles**** and bonking, set in the head of one of the country’s most bonking bonkers former MPs.

‘Garbage from start to finish’ – review on Amazon

*

*that’s FPTP for you

**wrong Prince

***another wrong Prince. What’s the matter with you?

****there is no magic stripper pole