Notes From Cuckoo Island

Rishi Sunak, the British Prime Minister,* ended his speech to this year’s Conservative Party Conference with a surprise declaration that it was time for a change in British politics, and the Tories were it.

In writing about this last month, I may, inadvertently – or even vertently; prove it if you’re so clever – have intimated that was a completely idiotic thing to say after his party has been in office for the past 13 years, but I now have to admit I was – should such intimation have occurred at all – wrong.

Let’s start with some background.

In the UK, we live in destitution under a constitutional monarchy, a specific type of democracy, which, as we Brits are taught at school, comes from the Greek word ‘demos’, meaning ‘people’, and ‘kratos’, meaning ‘crazy if you think this has any connection whatsoever to people power’.

At the end of every summer, after our hardworking Tory MPs have toiled away arduously for weeks in their Provençal villas, eating olives, supping wine from their own vineyards, and screwing Madeleine the housekeeper while the wife is taking the children to the local farmer’s market, they return to Parliament for a whole week, before sodding off again for Conference Season. Finally, at the beginning of November, the new legislative sessions kicks off with the State Opening of Parliament.

This is a highly formal occasion, encompassing robes and men in tights, and Black Rod walking backwards (what do you mean, why am I describing a Mel Brooks movie?), during which the Head of State reads out to the assembled throng (look, I’m not responsible for the archaic costume) a list of laws the government intends to enact in the ensuing Parliamentary period.

The Queen’s King’s Speech (several commentators made that mistake, as it’s hard for them to believe the Queen is not the monarch, and hard for the rest of us to believe that Charles is) was, just like the Prime Minister’s trousers, rather short, containing little of substance. It mostly consisted of general vagueries, like ‘My Government will strengthen the social fabric of the United Kingdom’ (hasn’t your Government met Suella Braverman?), and smart-aleck barbs (hey! That’s my job!) such as ‘ensuring it’s the government, not criminal gangs, who decides who comes to this country.’

Naturally, there was much analysis afterwards, with enlightenment actually coming from none other than Andrea Leadsom MP – no, hear me out – a somewhat maverick** MP, who had (one of her) moment(s) of notoriety when running for the Tory Party leadership in 2016 against Theresa May, claiming she was a better choice for Prime Minister, as she had children (May didn’t), and thus “a very real stake in the future“.

Anyway, when interviewed about the morning’s Speech, and asked what the Big Idea was (the obvious inference being there wasn’t one), Leadsom bleated on about it being ‘to assure the longterm prosperity and success of our country’. Which set off a thousand lightbulbs in my head…

…which other party had ever thought of this in the entire history of our political governance? Why had all the the other Prime Ministers not set out to make the nation a better place? What have all their advisors and experts been telling them, for God’s sake?!

You might well scoff (what are you scoffing? There’s no food in the shops), but this is such a ground-breaking concept, it’s taken even the Tories 13 years to come up with it.

And so I must admit I have been mistaken in my belief it was the role of governments to put paid to the long-term prosperity and success of our country. Though perhaps I can be forgiven, mislead as I was by successive Tory administrations committing to the proliferation of zero hours work, and the exponential rise in traffic to food banks, with a disastrous Brexit not only encouraged, but also enacted execrably, guaranteeing all long-term investment in the nation came to a complete halt, with the attendant loss of millions of jobs.

I’d have egg on my face if only I could afford eggs.

*

*hahahahaha

** bonkers