Notes From Cuckoo Island

It’s November, the midst of Christmas season, which in the UK runs from mid-August until 12.01am December 26th, at which point Easter eggs go on sale, meaning it must be Easter; one day we’re celebrating Jesus’ birth, the next, his ressurection from the dead.

And they say a week is a long time in politics.

But show me a person who doesn’t enjoy throwing themselves into the spirit of the post-Brexit Tory festivities…gleefully clubbing together to purchase a replacement bus service ticket for grandma to visit, saving up for a celebratory Christmas Day potato (currently one for the price of five, hurry!), rehearsing carols around where the fire should be.

Naturally, the major stores have lost no time in releasing their much-anticipated promotional TV ads, where, in past years, some old bloke was famously depicted by John Lewis sitting alone on the moon, not shopping or eating (eerily prescient), Aldi charted the exciting and highly popular adventures of Kevin the Carrot (sadly curtailed, due to Kevin having been languishing at Dover since 2016, thanks to an accidental typo on page 754 on his immigration form from the EU), and we watched a large cartoon bear venture into hopeful hibernation in an endeavour to get away from the whole depressing shebang.

So it came as something of a shock that the current offering of M&S – “This Christmas, do only what you love”, which eschews the boring bits of tradition people are roundly pressured to endure – has come in for extreme vitriolic abuse from ‘Britain’s Strictest Headteacher’, one Katharine Birbalsingh:-

“…you have a duty as our national department store to keep the spirit of Christmas alive for the sake of our children…when our nation is on its knees, trying to keep our spirits high..to help one’s fellow man…of children’s laughter…of kindness and of beauty…instead tell us ‘to do whatever we want for ourselves’…when Marks and Spencer puts two fingers up to these values… it stifles social mobility and happiness for our children…Scrooge teaches us the valued of charity and generosity of spirit…yada yada yada”.

[NB: I may not have transcribed the last three words verbatim]

She goes on (why should I be the only one to suffer?) “rather than teach our children to build a chain to weigh them down for eternity, you should be showing us the way, with heartening adverts celebrating the values which Scrooge comes to embody…how can you do this to our country at such a time as this?! Shame on you!”

THERE NOW FOLLOWS A SHORT INTERVAL FOR YOU TO LIE DOWN WITH AN ICEPACK ON YOUR HEAD* TO RECOVER

Ms Birbalsingh previously came to public attention for (among other things) displaying, on a wall of her school, a quotation she attributed to Churchill, which Churchill never, in fact, uttered, so it would perhaps be a tad ambitious to expect her to understand a television advertisement, much less that a joke about setting fire to a pile of Christmas cards with a blow torch is an obvious metaphor.

In any case, I was always taught the true meaning of Christmas resided in the demonstration of ‘charity’ and ‘generosity of spirit’ – as the Scrooge she referred to in her rant was made to discover – and not a pair of one-size, 55% cotton/45% polyester, odour eating socks. For our Headteacher has plainly confused the birth of Baby Jesus with tinsel. (Easily done). Anyway, knickers to her.

CHRISTMAS QUIZ

Who said:

‘This isn’t just the cancellation of Christmas, this is the M&S cancellation of Christmas“?

Answers on a Christmas car…oh, forget it.

Elsewhere, the Government is entering into it’s very own festive preparations, with Home Secretary Suella Braverman selflessly thinking of Britain’s homeless at this time of year, in her determination to end their sleeping on the streets – “a lifestyle choice,” apparently – banning tents and criminalising charities who not only donate them to the needy, but who also attempt to secure the most desperate in society places in dedicated shelters. (Which surely is the point of dedicated shelters. But what do I know?)

This is clearly inspired by Boris Johnson’s enthusiasm for the natural euthenasia qualities of Covid, dollar signs popping up in his eyeballs at the very thought of how much money the government would save if everyone of pensionable age snuffed it. Though alas, Cruella Suella took a dim view of his proposed scheme to this end, namely Sleep Out To Help Out, and came up with her own programme to put an end to the suffering of those who are er, suffering thanks to the policies of her government, which is most likely the last step before shooting them.

Anyway, as it’s the season of goodwill, I’ve decided, in a somewhat out-of-character moment, to dedicate some time towards those of you who support our Fascist delightful Home Secretary, and am excited to announce the release of my new simulation video game:

Evil Tory Sims

Contains 22 evil Cabinet Ministers, whose objective is to kill off 99% of the population in the shortest time possible before Christmas.

(Tent not included)

Happy Christmas one and all.**

*

* bargain price of only £14.99 if you order before December 24th!

** well not all, obviously