Notes From Cuckoo Island

I’m going to write a sentence containing ‘the Archbishop of Canterbury’, ‘the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’, and ‘Suella Braverman’.

Oh, hang on, I just did. [See above]

Curious thing when you think about it, given I’m not Christian, I’m resolutely anti-Monarchy (like the Duke and Duchess of Sussex), and am certainly not a Satan-worshipper, so what on earth could the connection be? (Percpetive of me to ask, I know).

Is it that the Archbishop of Canterbury married Harry and Meghan in secret in their garden with no witnesses present three days before the official ceremony at Windsor Castle and nobody knew officiated at Harry and Meghan’s marriage ceremony at Windsor Castle? Or perhaps that Harry is a Braverman than most, turning up alongside Meghan Markle for their marriage at Windsor Castle to be officiated over by the Archbishop of Canterbury? Or was there some kind of mix-up, where Suella Braverman deported Meghan Markle after the wedding officiated over by the Archbishop of Canterbury, forcing her to languish in a multi-million dollar pile in an exclusive area of sun-drenched California, surrounded only by the rich and famous? (Ugh. Serves her right).

No…well, yes, but that’s not the answer I’m looking for, so sorry, but no points. (Unlike the Archbishop of Canterbury and Suella Braverman).

That’s right! You’ve got it at last! They’ve all been in the news for driving issues!

For, only a few days after he’d ordained the new King and his Tampon Consort (I’ve always thought she was stuck up), The Most Reverend Justin Portal Welby*, was fined for speeding. Apparently, his mitigating plea of it being his hand on the steering wheel but God’s foot on the accelerator didn’t wash, and the collection plate was duly relieved of £510.

Incidentally, the Archbishop is something of an anomaly (I like the pink ones; they’re Ranunculus, you know, you could see them at the Chelsea Flower Show if only you didn’t have 12 points on your driving licence), as he preaches that sex outside marriage is bad, whilst he himself is the product of his mother having had an affair, meaning had she not had sex outside marriage, he wouldn’t be around to preach that sex outside marriage is bad. But at least his driving licence would be clean. (Who said religion isn’t a philosophical enigma?)

Meanwhile, Suella Braverman, the UK Home Secretary*** was fined for speeding last year, and evil little witch that she is with no respect for the law whatsoever and why would she as a former Attorney General was subsequently caught asking her civil servants to fix her a private driving course at three o’clock in the morning with nobody else there – when she could turn up in her default attire of white cloak and long, pointy hat – so she didn’t accrue points on her licence, which for some reason created an outcry because it was (yet) another example of her having broken the Ministerial Code. Which might well be (not ‘Welby’, pay attention) the only thing she’s good at.

Anyway, such was the opprobrium, that Prime Minister Rishi Sunak**** was forced into not launching an investigation into her conduct, and – here’s the clever bit – keeping her in her job as if nothing had happened.

And so, to Harry and Meghan, involved in a “near catastrophic” – when they say ‘near’, they mean the sort of ‘near’ the Earth is to Venus – car chase around Manhatten, lasting two hours (recollections may vary), during which a small dog took fright when it spotted an aggressive pigeon looking at it, entirely missed by the 18,000 CCTV cameras on the island (that’s true, I looked it up), which somehow all slowed their live recordings down to slo mo. (Not verified, but has to be the only answer). Nobody was arrested. Apart from the pigeon.

Even the cab driver who ferried H&M around for 10 minutes (verified) said nothing scary was going on (just ask Harry about that after they got home), but at least he could say ‘I had that Duke and Duchess of Sussex in the back of my cab once’, but in a New York accent.

Somebody’s taking us for a ride, and it’s not the New York cabbie.

NB: As I post this, a person has been arrested for crashing a car into the gates of Downing Street. Computer logs will show it’s not me, as I’ve been writing this piece all afternoon. (Although I haven’t seen Harry, Meghan, the Archbishop or Suella Braverman today. *whistles*)

*

*I kid you not, even though it’s my job**

**So I suppose you’ll be wanting your money back

***That’s the polite spelling

****Hahahahaha